College Football Kickoff

Thursday

6:30 PM: Marshall @ Ohio State, Big 10 Network– Wouldn’t your minds explode if the Buckeye’s weren’t poised to win the Big 10? Wouldn’t it be bizarre if they weren’t inevitably headed to their every-other-year trip to the national title game to get throttled by a superior team from a superior conference? They’ve won the Big 10 (a.k.a. Big Slow, Big Irrelevant, little eleven, Big 1930s, no-Big Deal, Big Up-the-middle-for-3-yards) five seasons in a row. And I’ll ask for the sixth preseason in a row: who cares?
Can Marshall be the first visiting squad to win an opening day game in Columbus since 1978? Remember, Ohio State opened the last season by squeaking by Navy with a 31-27 victory. Marshall has not beaten a ranked opponent since taking down No. 6 Kansas St in 2003. All I can say is “We Are Marshall!” It’s only a matter of time before Nebraska rolls up North to win the Big Whatever championship and show the rest of the country how weak that conference really is.

6:30 PM: Southern Miss @ South Carolina, ESPN – Our old offensive coordinator takes on the ‘Ole Ball Coach. There is no preview for this game on ESPN.com. Other than being the first game of the year on ESPN, it’s really not too exciting. South Carolina is always good for a disappointing season, and we all know Steve Spurrier is a gameCOCK. Plus, he’s infinitely more likeable than Tim Tebow, which is saying something.

7:30 PM: Pitt @ Utah, Versus Network – A top 15 team facing a team on the move, as Utah tries to impress their Pac10 peers. You gotta wonder how the current Pac10 teams feel about adding Utah. Fewer Mormons than BYU, but freezing home field during the winter. Ending up with Colorado and Utah after courting the Big 12 South is like hitting on Kim Kardashian, but getting Khloe pregnant instead. Good luck with all that.
The over/under is 50 points, so this should be an exciting game. Pitt is probably still reeling from their loss to Cincinnati last season 45-44 after being up by 21 in the first half.

10:00 PM: USC @ Hawaii, ESPN – I will be rooting for USC to go undefeated during the regular season, then head home for Christmas as the second place Pac10 team goes to the Rose Bowl. That would be hilarious. This would undoubtedly lead to Lane Kiffin making the claim that they are national champions. USC is the best professional football team in California, hands down. And, the most entertaining. But, I’m positive Pete Carroll left for the right reasons. I mean, after coaching the Patriots and then creating his own dynasty in SoCal, the only next logical step is to take your talents to Seattle. Cold, cloudy, wet weather, a fifty year old QB with zero durability, no skill players with any discernable skill. Now that’s what I call a formula for success. The stadium is cool and the division blows, so I guess you gotta give him that.



Friday

7:00 PM: Arizona @ Toledo, ESPN – Is little Stoops still coaching Arizona? I’ll be honest, I’m not even interested enough to click on the game preview. Moving on…


Saturday

11:00 AM: Miami (OH) @ Florida, ESPN – Can I just say something here? “The U” should never have to put (FL) next to their name. They’re the real Miami, not Miami (OH). If you leave (OH) off the end of the name, everyone is going to naturally assume you’re referring to The U. OK? OK.
I honestly believe there are Gator fans who are unsure if college football can even happen without the Savior, Tim Tebow. Hey Urban Meyer, if you quit, you have to quit for real. What is it with Florida head coaches quitting, then unquitting in the same preseason? Remember Billy Donovan almost being the Orlando Magic coach? Anyway, this will almost assuredly be a drubbing. Miami (OH) went 1-11 last year. You know the saying “that’s why the play the game”? Well, they probably don’t need to even play this one. Sorry, RedHawks.

11:21 AM: Louisiana-Lafayette @ UGA, ESPN Gameplan – We play Lafayette this season, which is really the only reason to watch this. Well, you can only watch it if you live close enough to a sports bar that is legit enough to show all available games on Gameplan. Not many of those around. But if you’re jonesin’ hard enough for some college football, this might be a decent game to watch. 21 minutes in to the Florida game, the Gators will be up by about 40 points. So, you might need something else to watch for a while.

11:30 AM: Illinois vs. Mizzou, Not Listed – Not sure why this isn’t being televised. Usually a good match up. I do hope Mizzou gets torched by everyone they face after getting way too big for their britches during the Big 12 debacle this past off-season. How academically superior were you when you were on your knees begging the Big 12 South teams to let you eat our table scraps, you pathetic assholes? At least Nebraska had cool history/tradition and fans. Plus, Mizzou’s med school is for losers.

2:30 PM: Texas @ Rice, ESPN – Of course this is televised. Why, you ask? Because Texas has a fan base…the size of Texas! The Longhorns will ride the Owls hard and hang them up wet. There will be a disgusting amount of burnt orange on Rice’s campus that sad afternoon. Let’s just hope this will give UT enough reps to start getting ready to beat OU this season.

2:30 PM: New Mexico @ Oregon, Not Televised – Hey Oregon, how do you spell “thug” in the Pac10? O-R-E-G-O-N. I do love the reverse OU logo on their yellow helmets.

2:30 PM: Purdue @ Notre Dame, NBC – NBC, please terminate your contract with ND. Every fan in the BCS conferences will pitch in to pay the penalty. We cannot idly stand by and perpetuate the fallacy that they are a powerhouse football school in 2010. Schools are recruiting kids that were born when Clinton was President. These kids don’t care about Rudy. Sorry, but it’s true.

2:30 PM: Kentucky @ Louisville, ABC Regional - A preseason college basketball game this early in the year!?! Awesome! Oh wait…it’s Kentucky/Louisville football? Can Calipari and Pitino coach the teams to make it interesting? This is really an ABC game? Neither team is ranked.

2:30 PM: Uconn @ Michigan, ABC Regional – Michigan is going to lose this game, right? It’s sad that I can say that and not even feel like I’m out on a limb. I mean, sure they could win it. But, would you really be that surprised if they lost? This is almost as bad as the decline of Mich basketball. Fab Five, you will always be near and dear to my heart. #baggyshorts.

2:30 PM: UCLA @ K State, ABC Regional – I’m actually excited for this game. People were hyping UCLA last year too, and it didn’t pan out. But, I think this will be hard fought. Even though K State was close to becoming the worst participant ever in a Big 12 title game last season.

6:00 PM : Utah State @ OU, Not Listed – Here’s to hoping ‘Ol Landry throws 5 picks in the first half. F*ck the Gooners.

6:00 PM: Wash St. @ The Oklahoma State University, Not Listed – The Cougars lost 11 games last season. This is the best possible scenario for a rebuilding OSU team. One would think you can make a few mistakes, learn some lessons, and make it out unblemished against a joke of a team like this. One would think…

6:00 PM: Washington @ BYU, Not Listed – Surprised this isn’t nationally televised. Washington’s QB, Locker has garnered a lot of pub as a top draft choice next season. BYU has had some pub for being wildly delusional (thinking they can go independent). I don’t know, I would watch, I guess.

6:45 PM: Oregon St. vs. TCU at the Deathstar (Cowboys Stadium), ESPN – Both ranked in the top 25. Both interesting teams. I’m thinking about driving out there to tailgate and see how cheap I can get tickets after kickoff. I would imagine after the first quarter, they’ll be giving tickets away to this one. I want to go not just because the Deathstar is badass and the game will be competitive. But also because I love erroneously referring to Oregon State’s running back as Quizno’s Rodgers (when in fact, his name is Jacquizz). What a name.

7:00 PM: LSU vs. UNC, ABC – There is a headline right now on ESPN that UNC may not have all its starters eligible. That aside, this is a #21-#18 matchup and a great first week game. Les Miles is on the hot seat after his questionable 2 minute drill coaching last season. (Gotta love those crazy SEC teams that assume they can win a national title every season).

9:00 PM: Cincinnati @ Fresno State, ESPN 2 – A matchup of two very decent non-BCS teams. Fresno State is leaving the WAC for the greener pastures of the Mountain West (who lost Utah and failed to hit a homerun with their re-alignment this offseason). Man, I wish Mizzou would’ve been stuck playing in the Mountain West. Would’ve been so poetic.


Sunday

2:30 PM: SMU @ Texas Tech, ESPN – The era of June at SMU just needed a few seasons to get rolling… They did go to their first bowl game since the death penalty. This should actually be a good test of how the overhaul has worked at Tech. I would love to see their faux SEC formula fail miserably. Especially as we are in our rebuilding stage.


Monday

7:00 PM: Boise State vs. Virginia Tech, ESPN - #3 vs #10. Cinderella’s coach has to turn in to a pumpkin at some point. Starting the season at #3 seems like a hefty weight to carry on the shoulders of a perennial underdog. Let’s see how they handle it.